Monday, April 16, 2018

Like a Pressure Cooker

Monday morning again. I have a short time in the quiet of my office as I have some daughter duties to tend to this morning. I will return as quickly as possible and take the hours left to me. Headliner has gone to print . I am very excited about that. I have participated in this process seven times now but the thrill has not diminished in the least and I can't wait to hold the finished book. I am proud of the work we all have done. I love the cover and I believe in the story.The story is a simple one of love, loss and struggling to make sense of it and find your way through. Just before bed last night I happened upon Willie Nelson's new release entitled 'Something You Get Through'. His voice is faltering a bit, his face shows a life lived and his words spoke deeply to me. I have always bristled at the phrase " getting over it" when it comes to grieving. Some may say by writing another book about loss I am stuck in the not getting over it. I beg to differ in the loudest possible voice. I can only speak for myself but I believe it is the getting through that counts.Now the getting through looks different for everyone and I can only speak to my own experience. At this point nineteen years after loosing Zac my grief is often like a pressure cooker. Certainly not as often as it once did but now and again the grief builds up, presents itself in dreams and blows off the lid.At those times the pain and fear and panic is as strong as it was in the first moments, days and months. The methods of getting through are learned, the belief you can rally is established and the lid is placed back on.I am so thankful for that and accept the reality of what my getting through looks like.Just as being Zac's mother for twenty years gave me immeasurable gifts ,navigating my way though loss has given me blessings as well.It is not up to me to question why and all I am truly left to do is my best and call witness to the journey. Perhaps in doing that I can in some way encourage others.

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