You'll Know When you Get There

Last night I indulged myself in a movie marathon, watching four movies in a row. Burton had gone to Moncton for a dart party and I had the luxury of time. That is not to say I could not watch non stop TV with Burton at home but there is something about being able to watch whatever you please in private and allow your emotions to run untethered. The first movie I chose was Life Itself. I had heard it mentioned but had no expectations. An unexpected treat was when a few minutes in one of my favorite actors (Mandy Patinkin) showed up. He didn't stay quite long enough but played a pivotal part in the unfolding story.Then I watched Special Correspondents and enjoyed Ricky Gervais and his understated hilarity. The next movie had a long name I don't quite remember but had performances by Dustin Hoffman , Emma Thompson and Adam Sandler that were memorable.I chose the last movie, 'The Hollars' when I probably should have been heading up to bed, thinking I would just watch a bit of it. I watched the whole thing and was sad for it to end. The wisdom and beauty I was given gave me the title of this morning's entry. Oh what a rich and rewarding life we live when each day offers morsels of wisdom and truth.I am so grateful that each day I am shown something that strengthens me and fills my emotional toolbox. Last night it was a mother facing a life threatening illness telling her son who was overwhelmed with the challenges facing him, that he'll know when he gets there that he is OK. Anyone who knows me well knows my two mantras "everybody's Ok,and I'm Ok. " Burton always counters with " Yes everyone's OK" or "yes you are OK".Yesterday I made a list ( another thing I do ) I listed a few things that if they were to come to be instantly by some genie in the bottle magic, my worry would subside. Reflecting on the list and discussing it with my daughter later I realized that even if some magic made the list materialize there would be worry and concern still. You'll know when you get there that you will be OK. Oh boy that is huge and what it really means of course is that you already possess all you need to be OK ;each other, love, hope, strength ,compassion and past proof that you were OK when you could not imagine you could be.Tears run down my cheeks as I wrap this up. My THERE is today and today I am OK. I chose this picture just because I like it.A wise man sits astride a big pig to entertain his granddaughters.No pigs were harmed.

Funereal Flooding

In an attempt to find a word starting with F ( not a four letter word) to put with flooding I came upon the word funereal. Sad , gloomy, dismal; the definition of funereal seems right on for the feelings surrounding these days of flooding and the deep sadness of the past week. A father and young son taken in a canoe mishap, four young lives taken as the vehicle they were in careened off the road into deep water, bombings in Sri Lanka killings hundreds on Easter Sunday.Dark and dismal days accompanied by constant updates of damaging flood waters.Where to find hope in the midst of such devastation is the challenge. I remember struggling with the same feelings last year watching friends , neighbors and communities going through record flooding. I know I am not alone in this. I do constantly remind myself of my blessings and can not even imagine all of what some are facing .We wait for the sun to shine knowing it will not change the sorrow only make it more bearable. We must keep our compassion, cling to our humanity and rise above the funereal and the flooding to carry on. As I write I sense a brightness coming over my shoulder through my office window. Not bright, warm sunshine but a glow of sunlight nevertheless reminding me of better days. Hope is the lifeline we cling to and on this day I pray for hope to abound in the lives of all those affected by the losses and devastation of the past days. I take comfort in the hope that abounds in my own heart and home.

And on We Go

I laid in bed awhile this morning remembering the morning after twenty years ago. I did not allow myself to stay there , to get stuck in the deep sadness of it but got myself out of bed and into this day. That is the beauty, the gift and the challenge. One day, one foot in front of the other. The only way we have come this far and the only way blessings have unfolded amidst the pain. So today I look to the rest of April's days and the coming of May. I look ahead to many exciting and happy things that will surface and move us along. I await book number eight and am so thankful for my work. May has many writing related events and I look forward to participating and being present in them. June will bring summer and our girls. Trees will bud and blossoms will bloom. Flood waters will peak and wane. The force of all life brings will continue and we will flow along with it.

To Call Witness

I am a strong believer in speaking our truth, in sharing our journey and of bearing witness to our experiences.As a writer I get the opportunity to fulfill this in fiction, in the crafting of story and character and for that I am truly grateful. On this platform I share in other ways and often feel the need as I sit to write to give voice to the stirrings of my heart. As this week begins and I am given another beautiful Sunday morning to ponder my thoughts I am mindful of the approaching anniversary. The date April 18th resounds so loudly in my being. I remember other years that date boring a hole in my pain. I would hear it weeks before as something would always be advertised as taking place on April 18th.I would see it on signs and TV ads and each time I would feel the jab.The torture of that has subsided somewhat but I am always mindful of the date as it approaches. This year it seems huge in the fact it will be the twentieth anniversary. The same inner reminders like April sunshine, melting snow the smell of the air,and seasonal anticipation are present this year but the glaring part is that we have now been without Zac for as long as we had him. I know the next few days will hold so many recollections and I have never shied away from processing them.Each memory however difficult is a treasure I hold on to just as each memory of his twenty years on earth are mine to keep. But the reality is having put in twenty years does not lessen the pain of it one little bit. I do not state this looking for pity or understanding I simply say it to bear witness to what is the reality of living with loss. Living with loss is something we are all called to do and escaping it is not possible . Not talking about it is not a remedy for the hurt . And talking about it does not make it linger as it never leaves. It settles somewhat as most pain does. We become used to it ,find a way to survive it but calling witness to the truth of it is not a selfish act but an honest one. Thursday morning the sun will rise and Thursday evening the sun will set. When the dawn of the first day of the twenty first year comes I will carry on, no weaker , no stronger but just as determined to bear witness to the love I have for my first born son and the sorrow that came the moment I lost him.

Celebrating My Girl

Today is my daughter's birthday. In the last few weeks I have heard her lament a bit about her upcoming age.I don't quite see 37 in the same way she does but I understand her feelings. Of course the reality is every year is a gift and I know she knows that too but for her approaching forty seems like a huge deal. I have thought a lot about numbers lately,the mathematics of my life at this juncture. My granddaughter just turned ten. Double digits, a milestone and for me a reminder of just how quickly ten years goes by. That just boggles my mind and add to that the significance of twenty years for this family.Burton was 45, I was 42 ,Meg was 17, Chapin 13 and Caleb 8, twenty years ago when our life completely changed. Zac was 20 and his life was over. Twenty years have gone by and suddenly we have been without him for as long as we had him. The years have been kind in many ways, providing comfort, we have been blessed and here we still are. Five grandchildren have been added to our numbers. Years do go by ,one day at a time and it does seem the speed accelerates as we get older. Perhaps we just hang on tighter as the velocity increases and maybe we value our time even more. Having lost my Mom in September and watching my Dad's decline and with the lessons I am learning from Gladys I truly appreciate my present life and the age I find myself at the moment. Those lessons seem to become clearer as we become older and they can not be simply given to the younger generation. All the wisdom I claim to have acquired has come slowly and through the living, not the telling. I am so thankful for my daughter's 37 years and pray she be given many more.I celebrate all she is to all who love her and all she loves. I ask for her joys to outshine her sorrows, her peace to quiet her turmoil and her smile and laughter to balance her tears.

Weary in Well Doing

I am weary, tired,and worn out and the large snowflakes falling outside my office window seem a welcome reprieve.I will allow this day to be a down day, a resting day. Bright spring sunshine and warmth would possibly have had me present a bright sunny side and I am not sure I could have risen to that. So today I will let the weariness prevail. Why so weary I ask? As I went to bed last night I felt the overwhelming urge to sob. I feel a heavy worry for my Dad right now. He has entered the next stage of his life and it appears so different than all the stages that have preceded. He has always been a man of independence, take charge control and I have not been required to do much but show up.I don't like it. Here I am in the middle as I have stated before needing to be so many things to so many people. A mother always, a daughter more actively, a grandmother , a wife, a friend, an author. On weary days I want to be none of it. My muddled head this morning questions my ability to be anything to anyone.Burton and I had a great week with Meg, Cody and the girls. Possibly my jet lag lagged a bit and has hit me hard today. I slept in and now will take the gift of a long, hot bath. I expect my head will clear and I will rally. The energy for whatever well doing I do will return.Oh I do hope so but for right now I will allow the weariness to just be. No apologies , no guilt. I will put my oxygen mask on first so to speak and take long deep breaths.