We're the Big Door Prize

I have been going about my business this morning thinking I did not need to write a blog entry. I attended virtual church, put baked beans in the oven , set my rolls, brought up my WIP and spent a few minutes reading in the middle of it, ran my morning bath, sat for a minute and read from Sheree Fitch's book You Won't Always be This Sad.I sought out the passage where she tries to get groceries for the first time. What a familiar struggle I feel in her words. Every morning in these uncertain times I ask myself'What is the hardest thing I have to do today?' Yesterday on my walk it occurred to me that I was not feeling the same fear and trepidation I felt approaching the 18th last year. Last year was the 20th anniversary and in that number I felt a huge amount of emotion. He was gone as long as we had him. Now I am not saying the approaching date does not fill me with sadness. My eyes brim with tears as I write but yesterday I realized the fear was gone. I have full confidence in the getting through the date because I have past experiences to rely on.What is the hardest thing I will have to do today? What is my biggest fear? Those are constant questions and perhaps we need to be afraid. But I know a resilience and a strength that I at one point in time could not even imagine I had. I know a foundation of love and memory that keeps me solid and I feel no fear of losing that.Don't get me wrong for a second. I wish beyond anything that we still had our oldest son here on earth with us.I could continue a list of wishes but where would that get me.Today I look to the sunshine, the hope , the promise of comfort and the gift of love.I cling to the confidence that through all life throws at us we come out the other side with a whole lot of little victories and blessings. In the words of John Prine. "And against all odds Honey, we're the big door prize."