Nothing's Perfect Monkey

 Wisdom comes in all shapes and sizes and as I've alluded to before my granddaughter Paige has a vast amount of it. She has a way of going right to the crutz of a matter and dishing out wise and insightful advice. She is intuitive and doesn't miss much on the emotional level. She makes me laugh, smile and sometimes brings a tear to my eye. One of her constant lines is " Nothing's perfect Monkey". Now I'm not sure how she arrived at that but of course she is right. Often our struggle with disappointment or feelings of failure are predicated on the notion that we wanted something to be perfect. We wanted the Hallmark movie version, the picture perfect life and the  outcome we imagined. It occured to me that at  sixty four I still haven't quite got the reality that Paige preaches to me every day. I have been know to quip" I can't have nice things" and Paige always follows that up with the list of the nice things I have usually starting with her grandfather who she holds in high esteem.A couple of days ago I began a list in my head of all the things I would change if I could.The list soon brought me to tears as the items were completely out of my control. It was a useful exercise though to ground me in reality and to once again remind me that nothing is perfect and no amount of retrospection can change the course life has taken us on.Burton constantly says" What a life we have Mrs. White." And what a life  we do have despite sorrow, regret, worry and all the rest.  Because after all

nothing's perfect Monkey. 

Hope with Humility

 A study in contrast, a comparison of values, a night and day difference. I could go on . I am referring to yesterday' s inauguration in the United States.  I realize the reality of what that country and what the 46th president of the USA faces after the ceremony and celebration is over is not as lovely as the choreographed event was. But the difference in tone and intention is monumental. I remember the hope and beauty of Obama's inauguration. I have the image of  Barack and Michelle dancing to " At Last".  From yesterday I have the image of a black female fire fighter signing for the crowd. I have the image of Lady Gaga delivering a moving rendition of the national anthem, a young black poet succinctly speaking words of light and vision. I saw a capable, caring ,confident  woman become vice president, a loving wife and family flanking a man committed to doing his best and claiming his whole soul was in the task. And then I have the images of the last four years. A leader making fun of a disabled reporter, a leader throwing paper towel at crowds in a suffering country, a leader spouting lies and ridiculous facts, a leader too cowardly to show up and encourage the next president. Where is that man's soul and how can intelligent, compassionate people look at the contrast and not see it. I have no answers for that. The contrast of angry mobs storming the same venue  where the  calm,  civility of  yesterday's event took place seems to me to say it all. There is no easy way to govern, no magic solutions to deep and difficult problems but hope and humility in my opinion is a much better place to start. God be with President Biden and the United States of America.

Just Take me Home

 I am not sure where this entry will go or who I'm writing it for. I guess I will just write it and find out. I have good days and bad days, good nights and bad nights and then I have excruciating nights. For the most part I have learned how to have good days. It is very seldom that I get a really bad day. I have learned what works for me even though to some it may seem on the obsessive, compulsive side. I need order. I need purpose. I need nature and time to be with myself. I need my work , my writing and my list making. Some of the other things like knitting dishcloths , playing card games , watching a bit of TV are fillers that round out my routine . I need laughter , a thank you now and again , hugs from my grandkids and a  chat with a friend. I have learned how to have good days but I never take them for granted. I have had days when I couldn't leave my bed. But thankfully not for a long long time. Days and the choices I make seem to be up to me somewhat. Nights are something else entirely. They sneak up on me. They hit me head on and with a vengeance. I sometimes know or have an inkling that I am due for one but I don't really have any control over where my sleeping brain takes me. Experience teaches us so many things and getting through a bad night is something I know how to do but knowing how or knowing that I can survive one does not make it any easier. When the panic comes, when the wracking sobs return , when the dark night and deep pain comes I am not always sure I will survive it. I dig deep to find the confidence and assurance that I'm survived it before but the hard work to get to the other side is exhausting. So the next day I am kind to myself. I process and look at the dream squarely in the face. No-one needs or wants to walk through that dream with me. The people who love me have their own pain to carry and this is a solitary task that no one can take from me. In writing this I look for no pity , no pat on the back. I just give voice to the pain we all carry, the pain that ebbs and flows but never goes away. As long as we breathe and think our brain and our hearts will process and hold that pain. For the good days and nights I give thanks and for the sun that comes up on the day after a really bad night I give THANKS.I kept crying "Just take me home" in my dream last night and I know what home is and I am there this morning.

A Thursday in January

 My entry this morning is a hodge podge of thoughts and observations. So much percolating in this over thinking head of mine. Countdown days to bunnies is what occupies Paige's mind these days. Every suppertime her thoughts go to the promise her Uncle Caleb made her of bunnies as a reward for trying foods she doesn't like . Not an easy task for a girl pretty much meat adverse. A challenge for her  and some nights are easier than others. I happily stumbled on to two posts from Digitally Lit one highlighting The Sewing Basket and the other a review of Fear of Drowning. It is a  writing  day. The sun is peaking through and the day stretches ahead. I hope to get to the woods for another trek on snowshoes.Today is Zac's friend Donnie's birthday. Donnie survived the accident that took Zac's life. And as I write this the Grateful Dead sings out on the radio behind me. "I will get by, I will survive." Every silver lining's got a touch of grey. Oh boy I am not going there right now. A touch of grey! Every day every season a touch of grey and a glimmer of light. I am thankful for the glimmers of light, my family, friends, my work, the open sky above me as I stand in the woods , the smiles and laughter of my grandchildren and so much more. Ok a Thursday in January is a day I am given to do the best I can and that is what I'll set out to do.

Are Words Enough?

 Oh boy. I don't even know what to say. My brain and my heart are a jumble of consonants that scramble to make words. I am a writer,  a list maker ,a writer of sentences written frantically when I am trying to make sense of something , to quiet a turmoil within. This morning words, lists and sentences don't seem to be enough. My soul has been bombarded . Images of a mob milling about , scaling walls, crawling through windows, chanting hateful words and inciting fear and confusion has my mind in its own upheaval. Orange phases, numbers, death tolls, missing young men named Zachary, the death of a sweet, gentle, wise woman, doom and gloom predictions swirl around and leave me feeling sick and tired, weak and weary. This morning will words be enough. Can I breathe deeply and regroup? Can I find the stream of light and hope to lead me away from all the darkness? A piano plays on the radio behind me and I allow the melodious notes to find a place , to quiet my soul. Now on the radio, a list of arts personalities and entertainer's quotes are shared and in words we try to find our way through all of this. Words. Words matter of course and each one of us makes the choice of what words we say, what words we write and what words we allow to penetrate our souls. I will sit in a restful silence and find the right ones, the nourishing ones, the kind and hopeful ones. Right now that's all I've got.

As I Put Christmas Away

 Today is the first day of a new year. I looked back at last January's entries and decided I must write about Christmas 2020. Today I will begin to put Christmas away. I have decided not to do a large New Years day dinner. Covid has reduced our crowds and preparing meals for a houseful all fall has reduced my desire to feed a crowd. Today I will take the tree down and go from there. Meg, Cody and the girls will begin moving in to the house they will rent for three months. Paige has voiced several times in the last couple of days her wish to settle and stay somewhere. I believe when the time is right that will happen. Last year I looked to a Christmas when Meg and her family would be home with us. Little did I know what a huge change 2020 would bring and that her being home would be so much more. There have been challenges, disappointments, struggles and difficulties in making a monumental move during a global pandemic. But blessings have abounded as well. Moments to be treasured and celebrated have been gifted us. Our beloved daughter has kept us laughing and kept her mother in line. Two granddaughters have filled our home and hearts . A son in law has embraced farm life taking special care of chickens, turkeys and kittens , has willingly been Burton's chauffeur and reluctantly joined in in frustrating games night after night. We have laughed, cried, grimaced and smiled widely. Christmas was wonderful. Caleb and Jenna joined in and it was great. The girls adore Miss Jenna and love their bossy Uncle Caleb. Yesterday Jenna filled the pantry with a major dumpling making production and the girls happily participated. I watched what I hope will be a new New Years Eve day tradition take shape and realized just how amazing this Christmas has been. This whole move , the fall and beginning winter days have been far from easy but we are all well, we have warm shelter( too warm sometimes) , more than enough food to eat and we have each other. I have managed clutter and upheaval, extra pets and more mouths to feed but I would not trade any of it. We have been family and what more could anyone ask for.