The Days That Matter

I have been away. I pulled off a major surprise and arrived at Meg's without her having any idea that I was coming. A few weeks ago Emma was in tears on the phone because she missed her Monkey and to add to her misery she realized we weren't coming for Christmas. For a few times afterwards she would always end her phone calls with 'See you next year Monkey' in a sad little voice that broke my heart. Her sad little greeting gave me the motivation to pay a surprise Pre-Christmas visit . It was wonderful. We made crafts, baked cookies and cupcakes, read books , went swimming and got lots of hugs and snuggles in. Paige was so excited to have her Monkey and her delighted little voice still echoes in my head. Last night she told Grampie'Monkey's coming back'. Oh I will be back for sure and each moment I spent with them is right here with me, each one now a memory to add to our collective repertoire. I used to say to my kids 'these are the days that matter'. That is so true. My brother in law Leonard died early Tuesday morning. He came to be with us on Oct 24th knowing that his time was short. He wanted to come home to NB to spend his last days with family. He did that. His older brother kept vigil as his life passed and he said his goodbyes. All our days matter. The sun came out briefly this morning filling my heart with hope. The clouds have now filled the sky and it is raining again after yesterday's heavy downpours but I know we will see the sun again. We will get through these next few days together. We can hold on to the fact that we welcomed Leonard home and gave him as much comfort as we were able to. We will tell our stories and reflect on the days that Leonard David White was given.

Deciding on December

I can hardly believe that today is the last day of November. This bleak and chilly month has passed quite quickly and so many days ended with stunning sunsets. We have a good ground cover of snow and yesterday my woods road walk on some of the trails Burton had not broken with the tractor, were challenging. As I knew it would, the road has taken on an entirely different look and feel as I make my way up to the 'park'. So as November comes to an end I look toward December. December can be difficult and the circumstances we have been given this year will not be easy, but as I think of the days and weeks ahead I am deciding how I will do December. I will take each day as the wonderful gift it is. I will fill this month with family and embrace the time I have to spend with each one. I will bring out boxes of Christmas memories and find a place to display them that will fill my heart with the feeling of home and tradition. I will look at that job as a privilege not a hardship. I will celebrate the day we were given our son Zachary 36 years ago, feeling of course the deep sadness that his life ended but be so thankful that we had him with us for twenty years. I will give gifts to the people I love, not worrying that I haven't spent enough or that I've spent too much. It is not the gift but the giving. I will cook a bit and each dish I take from the oven and set on our table I will be truly thankful for and thankful for each person that gathers around our table. Each day I will make the choice to be thankful, to be completely present and mindful of the blessings we have been given.

All Right Everyone

Do you ever find your mind so overloaded that for a few seconds you do not even know where you are headed or what you are doing? That happened to me on Friday as I drove right by the ferry landing, deep in thought, totally forgetting my purpose. My Purpose. Now that's something to reflect upon this morning. What is it I have been given to do? I have reflected before on the role of being the mother, the wife, the woman. Interesting at best, exhausting at its worst, but challenging always. I am often heard muttering 'All right everyone or OK Everybody', sometimes to no one in particular or no one at all . I even say it when I am all by myself. Crazy? Perhaps , but I like to just see it as a strategy for keeping it all together. That one simple phrase speaks loudly to what I do everyday. Some call it multi-tasking but I think it is more like multi-asking. Is everybody on my list OK? My husband, my kids, my granddaughters, my grand dogs, family , friends, myself. These last couple of weeks as I check my 'Is everyone OK' list I have checked myself first. This is crucial because as far as I can see if I'm not OK, I can't look out for anyone else. I know that is not a new theory but it is certainly something we multi askers have to remind ourselves of once in a while. I am proud of who I am and what I am to others. Even though we are given difficulties we are also given so many blessings. So as this Monday morning begins I say OK Everyone, and for right now everyone including me is OK. For that I am so thankful!

When the Sun Sets

Friday afternoon as I came down from my woods road walk and into the open field, this stunning sunset stopped me short. I stood in awe of the fireball sunset and tried to take in its fleeting beauty. Before it disappeared I went in to get my phone and take a picture of it from an upstairs window. The brief glimpse of such beauty was a gift I received by being in the right place at the right time and by paying attention. It is the paying attention that I am most grateful for. What about when the sun sets? What gifts await us then? My first thought is rest. The night gives us rest and an opportunity to regroup. My family might say that my favourite phrase is 'I'll rally'. After the sun sets we get a chance to rally, to look at the day that just ended and look to the days to come. 'One day at a time" takes on a whole new meaning when you see someone faced with an illness that has been given a timeline. How different than sudden death, when the loved one was there when the sun went down and gone when the sun rose the next morning. On this Sunday morning I just ask for the strength to rally, to take this new day and soldier on as my wonderful military minded husband would say. I started this entry attempting to make comparisons to a sunset and life but have just managed to make myself cry. Crying is something I never make apologies for, so I will just cry a bit and then get to my day with all the hope it brings. I will fit in my woods road walk and maybe be given another beautiful sunset to reflect upon.

When the Sun Shines Through

In one of the reviews of my first book The Year Mrs. Montague Cried the reviewer made the comment " Although death and depression loom, the encouragement to live and grow yourself with words is like a big yellow sun behind all the clouds." What better thought to hold on to during the bleakness of November and just before the solemnness of Remembrance Day. This morning the sun is strong. Its rays are flooding my office and I feel a hopefulness for the day and the weeks ahead. We know they will not be easy but we also know that they just as the sun waits behind the clouds there are blessings behind the difficulties. The blessing of family, of friends and community, the blessing of purpose,and the blessing of place. I will take the gift of today's sun and let it fortify me for the bleak days ahead. I have confidence that sunny days get interspersed with the cloudy ones.

Now it is November

How upsetting and overwhelming the last few weeks have been. A soldier was run down and killed in a vengeful act . Another soldier was executed at out war memorial and parliament was invaded by a young man with intentions to do more harm. In NB we have sentenced another young man who gunned down three RCMP officers to five life sentences. He did not in his calculated act of aggression consider the harm he was causing , the suffering to the families , the community and the senseless act of taking three lives. The harm that was done of course by both of these troubled young men was to our security , our confidence , our very faith in the values we hold. We know of course how fragile all those things are and we also know we have no immunity from the terrible things that happen every day ,everywhere. Then a man I daily allowed into my home through my radio, hugely disappointed me. Again I had to come to terms with the vast difference between what we hold on to as the truth and what the truth really is. The struggle is to find a place of truth that still allows us to have enough optimism to keep us going day to day. A balance of sorts that keeps us believing that the world is a good place. How fragile that all is. How quickly life takes a turn that completely takes the rug right from under you. This month of November, this bleak month of transition to winter, will hold a huge challenge in this house. We will try to keep it a month of family, a month of doing our best to comfort and support one another, and a month for accepting the good and the bad that life gives us. The picture I included today was taken the November day that Burton's tractor arrived. The last payment for this beloved piece of equipment was taken out on Oct 31 so we can celebrate the fact that it is now paid for, which is wonderful. Now if I can just convince him that he doesn't have to rush right out and trade it for a bigger one.

Holding on to Hope

My worry list seems a bit long these days. When considering the writing of a blog entry yesterday I felt too bogged down with the items on that list and felt unable to muster up much hope.This morning I feel more able to see the glimmer of the light my blessing list usually offers me. Hope is a powerful force that finds the surface despite what life throws our way. Hope does not change the difficulties but gives us the assurance that we can get through the tough stuff. I do not pretend to have any idea what a person needs to tell themselves when they are given a terminal diagnoses. So much of the hopeful things I hang on to have a timeline stretching into the future. I do know how quickly a life can be over and know first hand how a family deals with the days , months and years after the loss. I try very hard to see the present day as a gift to be savoured and enjoyed. We as a family are taking a journey with Burton's youngest brother.He has returned home to live out however many days he has left. We will take each day , which in reality is all any of us are given. So this day I take a deep breath, I add things to that blessing list and take comfort and strength from the people I love. Today ,I hold on tightly to hope.