The Day Before

Months ago arrangements were made for me to read as part of the Lorenzo Reading Series at UNBSJ. I have had the date of January 18th in my mind and have very much been looking forward to it. Over the last few months I have seen the date, my name and the title of the novel I'll be reading from online and kept the anticipation close. A few weeks ago it was announced in the Telegraph Journal's Salon section. The bio attached was completely incorrect and even though I didn't see it I know many people questioned my being credited with film making and award winning movie directing. A false bio somewhat undermined my real one and I had to remind myself that my true accomplishments were something to celebrate as well. Last night still possibly being on Alberta time, I laid awake for what seemed a very long time. In that wakefulness I questioned everything about my own ability. I am struggling somewhat with my current edits having trouble keeping the tense consistent. Last night I practiced my readings for tomorrow night and found my self wanting to fix a few things. I remember hearing Joan Clark read and her saying she always wants to fix or revise as she's reading. I guess that's a normal thing. My Mom as she used to set a pie or a something else she baked in front of us always said it wasn't as good as usual or it was probably not sweet enough. I guess whenever we present something we have created we tend to see the flaws. Last night I was convinced I had no credibility , I shouldn't have been asked to read and so on and so on. So here I am on the day before. I know nerves will kick in. I know I will have to muster all my confidence and courage. I also know that people will be gracious. I have some credibility. I will prepare and hopefully sleep well tonight and I will stand behind the podium and take the evening in and for each minute and each interaction I will be grateful.